Break Down the Walls Part II
by Miyuki Wynter
Summary: Sequel to "Break Down the Walls". Shizuo and Izaya have begun trying to get along with each other. Meanwhile, Izaya struggles with lingering fears related to the incident a few weeks prior. Shizaya. Warning: contains non-con in the form of flashbacks.
1. Chapter 1

_**THIS IS A SEQUEL TO "BREAK DOWN THE WALLS". It is highly recommended that you read this first (WARNING: contains non-consensual sex AKA rape). You can easily find the story simply by clicking my name!**_

_**WARNING: This fic contains flashbacks and the after effects of rape. **_

**Moving on, yes, I promised I would be back and here I am. Student teaching was rough but I graduated and life goes on! SO NOW IT'S FINALLY TIME TO MAKE THIS DAMN SEQUEL. I am uploading this first chapter now, but my updates will be slower than they usually are. I am having trouble with some of the later chapters, but I decided to let you all have this one now for being so patient. Thank you for the amazing reviews on the first BDTW, and I hope you enjoy the sequel! **

…~-~…

They had been out together three times already in two weeks. The first was a movie, then two quick meetings for lunch. After each meeting, they returned to their respective lives with only a short "goodbye" to conclude their short and awkward "dates". Yet despite the uncomfortable small talk and strange looks from anyone unfortunate enough to see their tense interactions, the odd pair decided to arrange yet another meeting—this time for dinner.

"So what do you intend to do with Heiwajima?" Namie asked coldly from her usual seat at the desk.

Izaya raised a brow, eyes shifting away from the last email in his inbox. "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean, what is your plan? Are you trying to trick him into something by going on these weird little dates all the time?"

"First of all," Izaya began, closing his laptop, "they're not _dates_. Shizu-chan and I are just trying to work things out."

"But you hate each other," Namie stated.

"I'm beginning to think it might not be entirely mutual. After all, Shizu-chan was the one to suggest us going to that movie."

"Okay but you're still avoiding my question."

"Hmm? Ahh, right. Well for now I'm just going along with it. I'm curious to see what lead Shizu-chan to this sudden change of heart, so until then, I'll just have to put up with him."

Namie sighed quietly in response and closed her laptop with a tad more force than necessary. "It's time for me to go. Whatever your _real_ plans with Heiwajima are, I don't want to be involved."

Leaning back on the couch, Izaya merely smiled as Namie quickly collected her belongings and headed for the door.

"See you tomorrow," she said in a flat tone that sounded as if she really didn't look forward to it.

"See you tomorrow!" Izaya repeated back with a grin, wincing when the door slammed shut behind her.

With a long sigh, Izaya checked the time. It was 4:36, meaning he still had about twenty minutes before he had to leave the apartment. Part of him wished Namie hadn't left because at least then he wouldn't have to spend the next twenty minutes completely alone.

It had been two weeks since the incident, and since then Izaya had gotten himself tested and received clean results, and managed to track down four out of five of his attackers. As it turns out, the five of them were all wanted by the Awakusu-kai for various reasons including violent crimes and drug dealings within Awakusu-kai territory. Izaya was more than happy to hand them over to Shiki and his men to be dealt with, and he felt satisfied to know that the four of them had been eliminated—though unfortunately he wasn't sure exactly how or to what extent, but he was confident he wouldn't be seeing them again.

However it was the last man, the leader of the attack, who still remained at large. Hayashi Ryoichi was his name, and just looking at his picture on his computer screen was enough to make Izaya feel sick.

Izaya sighed as he began to put his work away, loathing that new feeling that seemed to creep up on him any time he was alone in his apartment. It was fear. And Izaya couldn't stand being afraid. He couldn't even eat dinner alone without turning to look over his shoulder every ten seconds. It was frustrating to say the least, and worse when the dreams were factored in as well. Almost every night over the past two weeks Izaya had been having trouble sleeping. He kept waking up from nightmares in a cold sweat while the irrational fear that he'd turn over to see either Ryoichi's or another of their faces kept him from going back to sleep. It was maddening, and Izaya had hoped it would end when most of them were taken care of, but it seemed he was wrong.

Closing his eyes, Izaya took a moment to calm down. He was about to see Shizuo after all, and after spending a bit of time with him Izaya had come to realize that the man had the strangest ability to pick up on his emotions no matter how well he thought he was hiding them.

And so, Izaya spent the next twenty minutes calming himself with a hot cup of tea and the television on low to fill the empty silence of his apartment.

…~-~…

_He's late_.

Shizuo checked the time for the billionth time in the past 10 minutes. Izaya was 5 minutes late, and while that might not be a cause for concern with anyone else, Shizuo knew that Izaya always planned to arrive early to any type of meeting—including the previous times they had been out in the past two weeks.

Smoking cigarette after cigarette, the fortissimo of Ikebukuro stood outside of Russia Sushi doing his best to wait patiently—which included a lot of foot tapping and angry glares at anyone who dared look at him funny—despite the worry that slowly began to eat away at him. When the rain began to fall, he was forced to move closer to the building to avoid getting soaked until finally, he spotted the unmistakable fur-trimmed jacket of Orihara Izaya.

Checking the time again Shizuo frowned slightly_. _

_10 minutes late, but at least he's here safe,_ Shizuo thought.

This was their first time going out in Ikebukuro, and Shizuo was prepared for the stares they'd likely be receiving from being seen together, but he didn't care. He knew what he wanted, and that was Izaya. To hell with anyone who thought it was strange.

Putting out his current cigarette, Shizuo let out a long breath as Izaya skipped towards him, umbrella shielding him from the rain.

"Hey Shizu-chan~!" Izaya called out working his way through the crowd, "Sorry I'm late, I dozed off for a little while."

"You should have called me or something," Shizuo mumbled in reply.

"Ahh? Was Shizu-chan worried about me?" Izaya teased.

"Let's just eat already."

"Fine, fine," Izaya said with a smile as he shook the water from his umbrella.

"Shizuo, Izaya!" A booming voice with a thick accent greeted them as they entered the building, "Good to see no fighting!"

One short conversation with Simon and many awkward stares later, Shizuo and Izaya were finally eating their meal and trying equally hard to break the silence between them.

"So how was work today, Shizu-chan?" Izaya asked the generic question before he could stop himself.

"Uhh, fine I guess," Shizuo responded, looking a bit tense, "you?"

"The usual I suppose. Nothing interesting."

It was painful, yet this is what their outings tended to be—Shizuo being rather quiet while Izaya strangely lost his ability to generate a conversation. However, tonight Izaya noted that Shizuo was a bit quieter than usual. The man's social skills weren't great, but usually he could at least ask a few questions to keep things moving. Although Izaya was one to talk considering he seemed to completely forget how to carry a conversation around Shizuo lately. Izaya decided to blame the strange circumstances that lead them to where they were now for the silence that fell between them as they ate their dinner.

However while Izaya was busy worrying about his own social skills, Shizuo was more focused on the fact that Izaya didn't seem interested in him at all.

_He's probably only going out with me to satisfy some weird curiosity. There's no way he'd ever learn to like me back…_

These thoughts had been haunting Shizuo for the past two weeks. He knew he loved Izaya, and the sight of him bruised and battered that night two weeks ago was burned into his brain. He saw another side of Izaya that night. A side of Izaya that was hurt and frightened—no matter how much he tried to deny it—and that sparked a protective instinct in Shizuo. He never wanted anyone to touch his Izaya like that ever again, and he promised himself he would do everything he could to prevent the man sitting across from him from being reduced to the broken form he'd held through the night.

However, despite the circumstances, the moment of peace he felt when Izaya finally fell asleep next to him was something Shizuo found himself craving—sort of like a craving for nicotine. He'd had a taste of what he wanted and now he wanted more.

"Shizu-chan?" Izaya's voice almost made Shizuo jump when he realized he hadn't been paying attention, "Is everything okay?"

_I should be asking _you_ that question. You're acting like nothing ever happened, _Shizuo thought. "I'm fine," he said out loud.

"You're breaking the table, Shizu-chan," Izaya said in a low, serious tone.

Looking down, Shizuo realized he was gripping the edge of the table hard enough that it was beginning to crack. He quickly brought his hands to his sides and took a quiet deep breath.

"I was just thinking about some guy that pissed me off earlier," he said.

"Ahh~! What an unfortunate soul to get on your bad side enough to make you carry it with you to dinner!" Izaya said in a sing-song voice.

Shizuo merely shrugged in response to Izaya's words. _You're the unfortunate one, _he thought while trying to calm himself down with a large bite of his dinner.

The rest of the meal was rather uneventful with the pair getting into a bit more interesting conversations which mostly revolved around Izaya talking about his observations of a family sitting in a booth at the other end of the restaurant. When all else failed, it seemed that Izaya could always find something to talk about as long as his precious humans were in the vicinity. Actually, even if they were the last two people on Earth, Izaya would still manage to talk about other people…

The pair soon seemed to reach a silent consensus as they grabbed their belongings, paid the bill (Izaya's treat), and left the building—but instead of parting their own separate directions as they'd previously done, Shizuo decided to swallow his nervousness and offer to take Izaya home.

He opened his mouth, unsure of exactly how he was going to make the offer. "Iza—"

"Nee, Shizu-chan, how about you walk me home?" Izaya said before Shizuo even had the chance to say it himself.

"Okay," he replied a bit too quickly.

"But this time we're not walking the whole way!" Izaya said cheerfully, opening up his umbrella, "And since you clearly didn't bring an umbrella, we can share mine until we get to the station."

"Thanks," Shizuo responded quietly. He was having a hard time understanding how Izaya was so cheerful when this night was eerily similar to the night two weeks ago.

As he began walking along side Izaya it hit him. It was a mask. It had to be. There was no way Izaya could have forgotten what the weather had been like when he was attacked, and there was no way he was completely over it by now. It was all fake. Every smile, every cheery exclamation. Fake. A lie. The problem was that Izaya was just so _good_ at faking it that he hadn't realized until now…

Why else would Izaya want company going home tonight? He didn't want to go home alone on a night like this. Shizuo could feel a sinking sensation in his stomach at this realization. It was as if Izaya was trying to prove he was better now—above others who would let that type of traumatic event get to them.

Shizuo shifted his gaze for a moment to look at Izaya's face. He looked normal as he had a few minutes ago.

There had to be something he was hiding beneath that mask. It's never good to hold in emotions like that. Shizuo sighed quietly as they took their seats on the train. There had to be some way to get Izaya to open up. He vowed in that moment as he eyed that smiling face to find out how he could help Izaya no matter what.

Shizuo had been lost in thought, mindlessly walking alongside Izaya when they finally reached Izaya's apartment. They stood outside for a moment, finally making eye contact.

"Well," Izaya began, "I guess this is where I say 'goodnight'…" He looked a bit uncomfortable.

"Yeah, I guess so," Shizuo replied.

"Do you need money for a taxi back to Ikebukuro?"

"Nah," Shizuo held up his hand when Izaya began reaching for his wallet, "I can get that on my own."

"Alright, well, thank you for the… should I call it a nice evening?" Izaya asked with a grin.

"Yeah, same to you I guess," Shizuo said reaching to rub the back of his neck and break the awkward eye contact between them, "See ya later."

"Bye."

…~-~…

A little while later, Shizuo was back home standing alone in his bedroom as he changed out of his now wet clothing. He dried his hair and proceeded with his usual nightly routine of changing into his pajamas and having a quick glass of milk before climbing into bed.

Curling up in bed on his side, Shizuo tried to relax. Grabbing a pillow and holding it to his chest, Shizuo imagined it was Izaya he was holding as the smaller man fell asleep in his arms. He felt a small ache in his chest as he yearned for the feeling of falling sleep next to someone. The pillow was a cold substitute, but at least took a bit of that ache away. Shizuo turned again to lie on his back and look at the ceiling.

The room was dark.

It was quiet.

…~-~…

Collapsing in bed face first, Izaya groaned into his pillow. He'd actually enjoyed himself tonight and had managed to forget about the maddening fear that had been gripping him lately only for it to return now that he was alone again.

He hadn't wanted to go home alone tonight. It felt rude to drag Shizuo all the way out here only to send him on his way immediately after, but he hadn't thought that through. He only wanted to go home without having to look over his shoulder constantly for someone who probably wasn't lurking in the shadows behind him.

Flipping on his back, Izaya pulled the covers up over his head as if he could hide from that uneasy feeling in his gut every time he was left alone in silence. When the air became too warm he poked his head out to stare at the lights slowly moving across the ceiling from the activity of the city below coming through the window.

Yet despite the obvious activity on the streets below, no sound reached him in his top floor apartment building.

It was quiet.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you all for the lovely reviews and for everyone reading! I'm glad to be back writing again! **

…~-~…

It was just a text message, but for Shizuo it was a triumph that had his heart beating hard in his chest as he realized what he was reading.

"[Nee, Shizu-chan~! I'd like to make it up to you for last night. How about you come over after work tonight and I'll cook dinner for us?]"

It was only a small victory in trying to get closer to Izaya, but Shizuo was ecstatic about the offer.

"[Sounds good. I'll be there.]" he responded, trying not to sound nearly as excited as he felt.

…~-~…

Moving quickly between the pans on the stove and checking the oven, Izaya worked diligently to prepare dinner for two while Namie sat on the couch, going through the emails Izaya had forwarded to her. She rolled her eyes every time Izaya cursed under his breath, clearly struggling with his rusty cooking skills after Namie took over the duty of preparing many of his meals when she began working for him.

"Shit!" Izaya muttered when he almost forgot to remove the vegetables from the heat. He quickly picked out some of the burned bits from the bottom of the pan before pouring the undamaged food into a serving plate. Shizuo was meant to arrive in fifteen minutes and Izaya wanted most of the cooking out of the way by then. After all, he hadn't cooked in a while and it would be a bit embarrassing if he screwed up while Shizuo was there. He timed it right so that the fish would be the only thing on the stove by the time Shizuo showed up—assuming he arrived on time.

"Need some help in here?" Namie asked, eyeing the burned vegetables Izaya was currently dropping into the trash.

"I'm fine," he grumbled in response, "Shouldn't you be leaving by now?"

"On my way out now," Namie said, rolling her eyes, "Enjoy your weird little date."

"It's not a 'date'," Izaya stated, "Just dinner as friends."

"Whatever you say," she replied, "Don't burn the place down. Or do. I don't really care."

Izaya let out a small sigh of relief when the door closed and only the sound of the food cooking on the stove could be heard. The moment was short lived, however, when the door opened again and Namie poked her head inside.

"Your boyfriend's here, by the way," she said, shutting the door again in a hurry.

"He's _not_—! Ugh!" Izaya gave up trying to say anything. It wasn't worth his energy when he knew she was intentionally trying to mock him.

"Izaya?" Shizuo's voice called from the door. Izaya turned to see the man standing halfway in the door looking uncomfortable, "Um, that woman said I could come right in."

"Yeah, have a seat anywhere." Izaya called from the kitchen, "I'm just finishing up in here!"

"Smells like something is burning," Shizuo said, standing at the entrance to the kitchen.

"It's _fine_" Izaya insisted, "I already took out what was burned and the rest is good. I just haven't cooked for myself in a while."

Shizuo let out a small chuckle which he tried to hide when Izaya sent him a sharp glare.

"Just go sit at the table," Izaya said flatly, "I'll take care of the rest."

Doing as instructed, Shizuo took his seat at the table realizing that this was the first time their first conversation of the night wasn't a complete social disaster—even if it was very short.

Less than a minute later, Izaya was going back and forth from the kitchen carrying plates with a variety of foods and setting them down on the table.

_No wonder he burned some of it. That's a lot of food for one person to keep track of at once, _Shizuo thought.

Izaya returned from the kitchen one last time with two large wine glasses in one hand, and an unopened bottle in the other.

"It's the sweet kind," Izaya said popping the cork and pouring a generous amount into the glasses, "Figured you'd like this better."

Shizuo accepted his glass with a nod, taking a sip along with Izaya who took a much larger drink from his own glass.

"Well, let's eat! I'm starving!" Izaya exclaimed.

Izaya watched a pleased smile form on Shizuo's lips as he took the first bite and felt relieved that his cooking had apparently come out decent despite the bumps along the way.

They began eating quietly as usual, but when the silence became too much for him, Izaya quickly finished his glass of wine between bites in hopes that it would relax his nerves enough to start a normal conversation.

"Nee, Shizu-chan, is this a date?" he asked with a small laugh.

Apparently he'd had a bit too much already.

To make matters worse, Shizuo froze at the question and looked as if he was in deep thought. What bothered Izaya was the fact that Shizuo did not look as if he was going to deny that this was a date. The blond wasn't angry at all.

Izaya had been joking when he'd asked the question. Clearly they had been enjoying going out as friends, right? What was that look on Shizuo's face…?

"I mean, do you think it is…?" Shizuo asked in response.

_Just friends, right? _

Izaya refilled his wine glass and took another drink before answering. "Shizu-chan's the one who wanted to start doing things with me in the first place. You tell me."

"Then I guess the answer is no." Shizuo said, quietly taking another drink.

_Right. It's not a date. We're just becoming friends. _

Izaya cursed himself for bringing up this conversation. It was difficult spending time alone with him like this. There was no one else for him to point out to move the conversation away from getting too personal. But here, there was no escaping it. And Izaya cursed himself once again for having this stupid idea for dinner in the first place.

But at least the wine was helping to make it bearable. After all, the last time he was alone with Shizuo like this was…

Izaya shook his head. He didn't need to think about those things right now. Instead, he decided to take another drink from his glass and forget.

When they finished eating and cleaning up the dishes, the two moved to the couch while Izaya continued to giggle like an idiot after Shizuo almost dropped a plate. The wine had gone to his head making the situation absolutely hilarious to the informant. Shizuo on the other hand was only a little tipsy by this point, watching with amusement as Izaya was reduced to tears from laughing so hard.

Within another few minutes the two managed to work their way to the couch where Izaya filled up Shizuo's glass again, daring Shizuo to catch up with him—a challenge which Shizuo decided to accept as he downed his next glass of wine.

Izaya continued refilling Shizuo's glass every time he finished half of his drink, and now neither of them were sure who had drank more, but one thing was for sure; for once they were having fun spending time together. Who knew all it took was a now nearly empty bottle of wine?

Soon they began talking about high school—stupid gossipy things that Izaya had absorbed from his years watching the students of Rajin from the sidelines. But Shizuo had lost focus as soon as Izaya started rambling about some girl he'd turned down all those years ago. It was probably because of the alcohol, but still, Shizuo couldn't stop himself from looking at Izaya's lips and how desperately he wanted to kiss them right now—especially when Izaya kept moving in close to talk about the "juicy" parts of his stories.

Izaya paused his rambling and moved over until his shoulder was pressed against Shizuo's shoulder. He had an eyebrow raised as he studied Shizuo's face for a moment.

"What're you thinking about, Shizu-chan?" he asked, "That's an interesting expression."

Before he could stop himself, Shizuo lost control. His hand reached behind Izaya's head an instant before his lips pressed against Izaya's.

_Just friends. Right, Shizu-chan? _


	3. Chapter 3

**Updates might be getting a tad slower. I haven't been in a good state of mind for doing anything lately… I will do my best to keep up with this fic though. I have it all outlined. But thank you for all of the faves/reviews/alerts!**

…~-~…

His thought processes and reaction time had been slowed down by the alcohol. As a result, Izaya struggled to realize what was happening when a hand was suddenly on the back of his head and another person's lips were pressed against his own.

He felt his muscles become tense at the force that had been used to pull him into the kiss—and suddenly he was there again—cold hands roughly grabbing the back of his head and forcing him to suck some stranger off.

But this wasn't that cold alleyway. He was in his home, and those men weren't here. It was Shizuo who was kissing him and it was only then that he realized he was already kissing the man back.

When the situation at hand finally hit him, he was once again sent into a panic.

True, this wasn't some stranger trying to force him into sexual acts. But this was Shizuo _kissing_ him which in the moment, was just as alarming.

Quickly, Izaya's instincts took over causing him to firmly shove Shizuo away before he had a chance to think about the situation rationally. In terms of "fight or flight", Izaya's mind and body were in "flight" mode as he quickly scrambled to the end of the couch to escape the uncomfortable situation.

Shizuo was instantly aware of his mistake and found himself moving in the opposite direction as well to ensure he gave Izaya the space he needed to collect himself.

"Shit—" Shizuo cursed covering his mouth with his hand, "Izaya, I'm—I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to—I'm sorry!"

Jumping up from his seat Shizuo quickly brushed past Izaya, intent on leaving. He'd gone too far.

But a hand around his wrist stopped him as he passed by.

Shizuo turned his attention to the hand on his arm, eyes following it to Izaya's face which was hidden behind his bangs, eyes focused on the floor.

"Sit," Izaya whispered.

Heart racing, Shizuo did not move yet. How could Izaya _not_ want him to leave? It was just a kiss, but he'd still essentially forced himself on Izaya. Shizuo closed his eyes. He'd probably triggered some nasty memories in Izaya just now, all because he just _had_ to kiss him.

He couldn't stay. Not after potentially hurting Izaya like that.

Shizuo tugged lightly to get out of Izaya's grasp, but those slim, pale fingers only gripped harder.

"I said _sit_," Izaya said, still looking at the ground as he pulled Shizuo back closer to his seat.

The firm tone Izaya used had Shizuo's heart racing. Would he hurt Izaya more if he left?

Holding his breath, Shizuo cautiously sat back down on the couch and stared at the floor as well. He took a silent deep breath as he waited for Izaya to speak; however, Izaya remained silent even after releasing his grip on Shizuo's arm.

_What is going on in that head of yours…?_ Shizuo thought, making a quick glance in Izaya's direction.

The silence continued for another thirty seconds. Izaya blinked a few times as he tried to regain his composure. The alcohol in his system wasn't making that very easy.

_Ugh fuck it, _Izaya thought as he reached for his glass, pouring the last bit of wine into his glass and taking a big gulp. He knew drinking more wasn't the brightest idea, but he needed something to help warm the chill making its way up his spine.

Surprisingly enough, the chill had nothing to do with being afraid or being sent into a flashback by Shizuo's actions.

The chill that went up Izaya's spine was a direct result of the realization that Shizuo, Heiwajima Shizuo, had just kissed him—and in addition, _he had kissed him back. _Oh, but that wasn't all…

The icing on the cake was that Izaya had almost liked it. No—he _did_ like it.

It was with a bitter taste in his mouth that he realized that maybe Namie was right when she mocked him about these "dates" and questioned his intentions. Was it possible that she had picked up on what Shizuo was feeling before even he did?

As for Izaya's feelings… He'd been enjoying himself up until this point. He hadn't felt nervous or awkward around the man—in fact, he'd felt pretty good.

Izaya lightly shook his head before glancing at the blond who was still sitting anxiously in his seat. He didn't know how to respond. He'd never been in a position like this before. Should he tell Shizuo he liked the kiss? Or would that just freak Shizuo out and make him want to leave again…?

_Wait. _

Izaya could punch himself for being so fucking stupid. Perhaps he could blame the alcohol for overlooking the fact that Shizuo had kissed him first. There had to be a reason behind his actions.

Damn. It would make too much sense if Shizuo actually liked him. Helping him home and spending the night when he was attacked, suggesting that they go out and stop fighting…

This was serious. It was very possible that Shizuo wanted to be… a bit more than friends. Something about that realization set off alarm bells in Izaya's mind. This isn't what he signed up for.

Izaya closed his eyes, trying to remain calm through the sudden dizziness that hit him. He blamed that on the alcohol as well. He just needed to know for sure.

"Shizuo?" Izaya asked, his voice nearly cracking as he forced the words out, "Why did you just kiss me?"

With the way Shizuo instantly brought his hand to the back of his neck and avoided eye contact, Izaya could tell his thoughts were spot on. This really was serious.

"Are you sure you want to know the answer to that…?" Shizuo asked, voice almost a whisper.

_No_.

_But I _have_ to know. _

"If I didn't, I wouldn't have asked," Izaya reasoned.

Shizuo sighed, leaning forward so that his hands covered his face, elbows on his knees. His next words were muffled by his hands. "I like you a lot, okay? That's why."

There was another long release of breath from Shizuo that sounded like a sigh of relief to Izaya.

Where Shizuo may have felt relief, Izaya's world was just thrown off balance. He probably knew deep down somewhere within himself that this was the reason Shizuo wanted to suddenly be around him. Yet he never was able to accept that answer.

_You're supposed to _hate_ me. _

_Why don't you hate me? _

"Izaya…?" Shizuo's voice sounded muffled to him, "Are you okay?"

It was then that Izaya realized he had involuntarily curled in on himself, his hands gripping his hair. Nothing made sense—no everything made perfect sense, and that was what made it all so confusing. Why hadn't he realized that Shizuo… _loved_ him?

He knew next to nothing about love and relationships. Shizuo was the one who was always making friends and interacting with others. Izaya had none of that.

Izaya felt a hand on his shoulder and his panicked, intoxicated brain could not distinguish the touch as good or bad. In the blink of an eye, he was in that alley again.

On the cold, hard ground.

Terrified for his life.

Hands all over him… touching him…

The hand was hurriedly removed from his shoulder and Izaya snapped back just as quickly.

_It's not real. You're home. You're safe. _

Izaya repeated those words to himself in his head for a few seconds as he regained his composure. His breathing evened out as his shoulders drooped.

"I'm fine," he said finally, despising himself for the way his body and mind were reacting to this predicament.

Standing up on slightly wobbly legs (it had to be the alcohol), Izaya didn't look in Shizuo's direction as he spoke. "I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. I want to talk to you."

With that, Izaya made his way to the bathroom and locked the door behind him.

He stared at himself in the mirror for a moment as he attempted to ground himself back in reality. He hadn't had a flashback that vivid in a week. Triggered from what? A few words and a touch? Apparently his mind had already been in such a panic that the one little touch on the shoulder was enough to send him over the edge.

"I'm pathetic…" Izaya whispered to himself as he stared into his own eyes in the mirror.

Turning on the cold water, Izaya let the water run from the faucet into this hands, staring at it as it overflowed from his hands into the basin. Leaning down, he splashed the cold water over his face. This had become a ritual for him. It helped keep him grounded in reality.

He had to face this. Shizuo might actually be in love with him. So what. If anything, this was a good thing. After all, up until this moment he had felt completely comfortable around him. Why should a few words and a kiss make anything different?

Shizuo wanted to help him. That much was clear. He could take advantage of this situation and use Shizuo to help himself get over this. Besides, being able to kiss someone was… nice. He'd just been shocked. It was sudden, and he was drunk. That's why he'd freaked out so much just now, right?

He could handle doing it again, and he'd prove it. He needed to show himself that he could handle being touched like that without having flashbacks. He would try again, only this time he would be the one in control. He could get over his annoying fears using Shizuo.

But first he'd need more information.

Izaya was calm again and feeling much more like his confident self when he opened the bathroom door to see Shizuo sitting right where he left him, looking rather worried.

"Izaya-!" Shizuo began, but was cut off when Izaya signaled for him to stop.

"Like I said," he spoke calmly and clearly now, "I am fine. I just need to talk to you about this."

"O-okay…" Shizuo responded, looking unnerved.

"So," Izaya began, sitting back in his place on the couch, "You like me?"

"Y-yes."

"How long have you been hiding this?"

"Honestly," Shizuo rubbed the back of his neck again, "I'm really not sure when it started. I just started realizing that I… didn't really want you dead or anything… and that sort of just morphed into… well… _this_."

Izaya closed his eyes, still struggling to absorb this new information.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Shizuo asked when Izaya remained silent for thirty seconds which felt like an eternity.

Izaya's eyes seemed to flash in the light when he opened them, turning to finally look Shizuo directly in the eyes.

"I suppose we can give this a try," he said.


	4. Chapter 4

**Eheheh… Sorry this took so long. Thank you for reading! **

**Unfortunately, my formatting in this chapter won't show up right… I will see if I can find a way to post it somewhere with the proper formatting, but you can still read it like this just fine I suppose. **

…~-~…

Shizuo was about to respond to Izaya by saying something along the lines of _"You didn't answer my question, Flea."_ However, the words became stuck before he could even say them when Izaya's words connected in his head.

"_I suppose we can give this a try."_

"I—wait," Shizuo stuttered, "R-really?"

"Don't sound too eager now, Shizu-chan," Izaya said with a laugh, "But yes. Really."

Shizuo stiffened when Izaya suddenly came close again, lips only a few centimeters from his own.

_Just do it._ Izaya thought, _It's just a stupid kiss. I can handle this just fine. _

Izaya lightly touched his lips to Shizuo's, asking for permission to continue. Shizuo pressed back, signaling his consent. Focusing only on the man in front of him and nothing else, Izaya complied, sealing his lips over Shizuo's. Shifting their position so that he was straddling Shizuo's lap, Izaya's hands began to wander, feeling the warm man and soft couch beneath him.

No cold hands, no rough concrete against his knees, no pain.

Izaya reveled in his small victory over his own mind. This was okay. This didn't make him feel nervous or afraid in the slightest.

And that was the problem.

He quickly found himself deepening the kiss, hungry for more. He licked at Shizuo's lower lip, and Shizuo responded with his own tongue. Izaya cursed himself when a pleased shudder made its way down his spine at the feeling of Shizuo's tongue twisting against his own. However as much as he hated himself for enjoying this so much, he couldn't stop now.

Izaya moaned into the kiss, hips beginning to move of their own accord as heat began pooling in his lower abdomen. It felt so good and he never wanted it to stop.

_Except when cold hands suddenly grabbed his hips to keep him from escaping as a hard cock slammed into him. The cold, wet ground scraped against his hands and knees and he struggled to get away from those hands only for another pair of hands to touch his sides, moving to pinch his nipples as he desperately fought to take his mind somewhere else….To forget what was happening… _

Warm hands quickly retracted from Izaya's hips and Izaya realized he'd stopped moving the moment they'd been placed there.

"Izaya," Shizuo said quietly, "I think we should stop."

"No," Izaya insisted. He was better than this.

Grabbing Shizuo's hands, he placed them right back on his hips and attempted to continue where they left off. Shizuo turned away, carefully pushing Izaya back so he could look him in the eyes.

"We're stopping," he said sternly.

"Fiiiiinnnneee~!" Izaya collapsed back on the couch with an overly dramatic sigh to show his disapproval.

He would just have to work on this later. Which of course meant spending more time with Shizuo.

And for some reason that really didn't bother him.

…~-~…

Curled up next to another warm body in bed turned out to be exactly what Izaya needed.

Somehow his drunk ass had managed to convince himself that suggesting Shizuo stay the night was a good idea and even as he began to sober up, he couldn't think of a real reason why not—

—Other than the fact that everything about this was so wrong.

Shizuo was supposed to hate him. But here they are—Shizuo sleeping with his arms wrapped around Izaya's small frame as if they had been like this forever.

Still, Izaya couldn't ignore how good it felt to be held again. Shizuo's arms wrapped around him felt like a barrier against the outside world. Yeah, that sounded ridiculous, but this whole physical contact thing was fairly new to him, and feeling another person holding him gently like this still made him feel safe just as it had the night of the attack.

Closing his eyes, Izaya let himself relax in the darkness of his room for the first time in over two weeks.

He listened to the slow breathing of the man next to him. Shizuo had only wrapped his arms around Izaya after falling asleep. It was so cute he might throw up. Or maybe that was from drinking too much.

A few deep breaths took away the traces of nausea, allowing Izaya to finally drift to sleep.

…~-~…

_The space was too small. _

_He could barely breathe. _

_It was dark. _

_Cold. _

_The ground was rough. _

_He tried to figure out where he was…._

_He'd never been here before. _

_The walls were closing in. _

_Getting closer._

_Smaller. _

_Too_

_c_

_l_

_o_

_s_

_e_

_Hands. _

_There were hands reaching out for him from the right. _

_Then from the left. _

_From above. _

_Everywhere. _

_They grabbed him._

_Cold hands._

_They held him down. _

_He searched for a way out._

_But there was none. _

_The hands roughly groped at him, pushing him around in the small space. _

_Unrelenting. _

…

…

_A light. _

_It was small, and distant, but there was a light. _

_He reached out to it._

_It was his only chance to escape. _

_The hands pulled him back. _

_But he fought. _

_He pushed forward, crawling, prying the cold hands off of him as he moved. _

_He reached out in front of him. The light wasn't getting any closer. _

_He crawled just a bit more…._

_And the ground crumbled beneath him. _

_The hands were gone, but he was falling…_

_Falling…_

_Falling… _

_Ground. _

…_~-~…_

Izaya bolted upright in bed, a scream caught in his dry throat. He was drenched in a cold sweat and gasping for breath. Reflexively, he grabbed at his chest just to make sure his heart wasn't really leaping out of his body.

"Hnn…? Izaya? What's wrong?" Shizuo asked groggily, causing another small jolt in Izaya.

He'd forgotten he wasn't alone.

After a few deep breaths, Izaya finally began to calm down.

"Jeeze, are you alright?" Shizuo asked, reaching towards Izaya's forehead.

Izaya instinctively swiped at Shizuo's hand to prevent it from touching him. Shizuo made no sign of acknowledging Izaya's actions as he continued his questioning.

"Was it a nightmare?"

"Yes," Izaya managed to say through his dry mouth.

"Do you need anything?"

"Water."

"Got it."

Izaya leaned back into the pillows, trying to relax. He'd been having dreams similar to that, but this was the first time he'd… well, been killed in his dream.

He shuddered at the image of the ground racing towards him like that. It seemed his mind was looking for new ways to torture him.

"Here," Shizuo suddenly appeared in front of him, causing Izaya to flinch slightly. He hoped the blond didn't notice. "I brought you a cold towel too," he added.

A few large gulps of water later, Izaya accepted the towel, using it to wipe away the sweat that had formed on his face and the back of his neck.

"Are you okay?" Shizuo asked, sounding genuinely concerned.

"Yeah. This one was just a bit more graphic than the others."

Izaya realized his mistake a second too late.

"Others?" Shizuo questioned, sitting back down on the bed, "How many have you had?"

Every fiber of his being screamed at him to lie. Come up with a fake number, pretend he misspoke.

"One every night since then."

Damn. He couldn't even tell a simple lie to Shizuo anymore. It was like those brown eyes put him under some strange spell. When those eyes looked at him filled with so much concern, he couldn't bring himself to say anything other than the truth.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you didn't need to know."

"Why not?"

"Why would I in the first place?" Izaya pointed out, "Until a few hours ago, I had no idea what you thought about me. Why would I share something so personal?"

"Because I was _there_." Shizuo said, causing Izaya to turn his gaze downward. He didn't want to look into those concerned eyes anymore.

They were both silent for a few moments before Shizuo continued with a sigh. "If you really don't want to talk about it right now, that's fine. But I want to help you and the best way for me to do that is for you to clue me in on what's going on in your head. But if you're not ready, then let's just go back to sleep."

Izaya nodded in agreement, but those words echoed in his mind.

_The best way for me to do that is for you to clue me in on what's going on in your head._

He didn't like that part. No one was allowed to know that. If he let Shizuo in, there would be no escape. He would always seem weak and pathetic in Shizuo's mind if he knew the truth.

About the nightmares.

About the crippling fears that overtook him at night.

He was weak. He needed to get strong again. Shizuo was merely the equipment he could use to get there. He didn't have to know the truth. He just had to be there as a practice dummy for Izaya to use to build his confidence back.

He didn't need to know any details to help. And that was that.

As they settled back into bed, Izaya couldn't help but notice how close Shizuo was holding him as they both went back to sleep.

…~-~…

**To read the dream sequence with the formatting the way I intended, go to my blog!**

miyukifanfic.

**tumblr.**

**com**

**/post/87959700317/break-down-the-wals-part-ii-chapter-4-this-is-the**

**((I am hoping that breaking it up like this will make it show up properly here! Sorry for the inconvenience))**


	5. Chapter 5

Yagiri Namie was used to the annoying antics of her employer. As a result, she wasn't necessarily surprised when there was no sinister grin greeting her when she stepped into Izaya's apartment that morning. Honestly, it was more of a relief than anything, but it was still in her best interests to make sure he didn't get himself killed somehow.

Knocking on the door, Namie waited to hear a response. She thought he heard a muffled groan through the door as she put her hand on the door handle. Just as she was about to turn the handle, she paused, thinking about what she might find inside. Looking over her shoulder, she double checked the genkan. The only shoes that were there were hers and Izaya's, meaning that there shouldn't be any surprises in Izaya's bed.

Turning the handle, Namie swiftly entered the room. She was greeted to darkness, and a pile of blankets in the middle of a large bed.

"What's wrong with you?" Namie asked, looking to see if she could find any trace of Orihara Izaya under the mess of blankets.

The only response was a slight shifting of the mass on the bed and small grumble that almost sounded like words from under the covers.

"What?"

"I'll be down in a few minutes" Izaya said a bit louder, still under the covers.

Namie thought it was strange, but then again, Izaya had never done anything to prove that he was anything but strange. So instead of questioning him more, she shrugged and left the room with the knowledge that her employer was alive, albeit acting like a whiny teenager.

…~-~…

Izaya woke that morning to Shizuo's alarm. Head pounding, he groaned at the noise drilling its way into his brain. Finally, Shizuo managed to turn off the alarm and sit up.

"Flea?" he said quietly.

Izaya groaned again, using the covers to shield his eyes from the small amount of light pouring through the blinds.

"Izaya? You okay?"

"I'm fine," he responded, "I just don't want to get up just yet."

"You don't have to. But I have to go to work. Should I uhh… Should I wait for you to call me next or…?"

"Whatever you want, I don't care." Izaya said. He wasn't really sure what he was responding to exactly. All he could think about was the pounding in his head and the fact that all he wanted to do right now was go back to sleep.

"Yeah, okay." Shizuo grumbled, "I'll see you around I guess."

Izaya didn't respond. He was trying to rub away his headache with one hand while the other pulled the covers the rest of the way over his head. By the time he registered what Shizuo had said to him—and the fact that it was actually Heiwajima Shizuo speaking to him—the bed was already empty and the sound of the front door closing reverberated through his skull.

_What am I doing…? _Izaya asked himself.

His thoughts flashed back to the previous night. Shizuo's lips on his… their bodies pressing together so close… he'd actually enjoyed it.

Izaya let out a soft chuckle through the pain in his head. He hadn't been with anyone in so long. That's the only reason it had felt good. There was no way he could reciprocate Shizuo's feelings because he simply didn't like the man in that way. Sure, being friends with Shizuo could present some nice perks, but he couldn't see himself and Shizuo as anything more than that.

He shuddered at the thought of what he had almost done last night. Really, getting drunk enough to think having sex with the monster would be a good idea? It wouldn't have helped anything other than make Shizuo become more attached to him than he already was.

For the first time in his life, Izaya was filled with regret at his actions.

"_I suppose we can give this a try."_

Why did he say that? It was an awful idea and if he could take those words back he would in an instant.

But he couldn't. He'd led Shizuo on and now he would have to deal with the consequences. There was no way his sober mind would really consider _going out_ with Shizuo anyway. Just the thought of it made his chest feel strange and his stomach flutter with nausea. It was a disgusting feeling really.

It had to have been because Shizuo helped him that night. Shizuo acted kind towards him. He'd guarded him on his way home and even held him so gently when he'd broken down and cried. He gave Izaya the affection that had been missing in his life for over fifteen years. Someone to hold… to sleep next to…

Izaya shook his head. This was getting ridiculous. The good feelings had nothing to do with _Shizuo_. Just Shizuo's _actions_ and the way he made him feel so safe and content… as if he could sleep forever with those arms around his waist…

_No! _

Izaya slapped himself only to groan when the jolt agitated his headache more.

Curling into himself, Izaya rolled into the center of the bed, wrapping himself up in a mound of blankets while his headache threatened to split his head in half.

He lay there for a while, losing track of time when he dozed in and out of sleep. It wasn't until a knock on his bedroom door pierced into his head causing him to groan once again as he was pulled from sleep that he realized he'd slept in late.

The door opened and for a moment he wondered if Shizuo had come back until he heard the cool and firm tone of Namie's voice.

"What's wrong with you?" She asked.

"I'll be down in a few minutes," he mumbled.

"What?"

Trying not to let his agitation show in his voice, Izaya repeated himself louder. "I'll be down in a few minutes."

The door closed as Namie left the room leaving Izaya alone again with his thoughts.

…~-~…

It had taken much longer than a few minutes for Izaya to drag himself out of bed, into the shower, and to get himself dressed properly before going downstairs. He found a fresh cup of coffee waiting for him at his desk along with a breakfast of steamed rice and eggs.

"You should drink some water with that too," Namie said. She observed the empty bottle on the table as she cleaned up the only remaining evidence that Shizuo had even been here at all last night. "It'll help with the hangover."

Izaya could have denied that statement, but he knew from looking in the mirror that he looked like hell and the empty bottle on the table with two glasses was evidence enough of what he'd spent his night doing.

Instead he ate the food in front of him and sipped his coffee, resting his head in his hands as he waited for his computer and laptop to power on.

The rest of Izaya's afternoon was filled with gathering information and formulating a plan for how to deal with Hayashi Ryoichi—the last of his attackers who still roamed free—while being interrupted by various other small jobs in between that kept popping up. It felt like a typical day for the informant as he continued to work on feeling comfortable in his own skin again.

However, unbeknownst to Izaya, Namie had been observing him the entire time and was taking note of how strange he was acting.

The typical assignments that would normally spark a passion and some long rant in the man for the strange nature of humanity instead left him looking drained and frustrated. She would have blamed the informant's obvious hangover if it weren't for the fact that he'd stopped constantly complaining about his headache hours ago meaning he was feeling better.

Namie sighed quietly as she took note of Izaya's symptoms.

He was having trouble concentrating. She could see it in the way his face contorted slightly every few minutes as if he had forgotten what he had just been reading on the screen. Often he would either stand up to pace around the office, or he would merely stare off as if deep in thought.

There was something going on in his chest. Each time he would stare off seemingly at nothing, his hand would move up to his chest. He didn't do or say anything, but his hand would sit there for a moment while a small hint of discomfort made itself evident on his face. It wasn't until later that Namie realized that this happened when his gaze wandered over to the couch—where she assumed he and Shizuo had been sitting last night, drinking. Occasionally his eyes would glance back towards his bedroom as well.

Namie didn't like to think about the implications behind that location.

However, by the end of the afternoon, Namie suddenly made the connection.

"So is it safe to assume your annoying restlessness today can be attributed to your finally realizing your feelings for that man?"

"Namie, jokes are supposed to be funny. That wasn't. It's just disgusting."

"Then why did you share a bottle of wine with him last night?"

"I was hoping to get him drunk so I could figure out what he was up to." That was only partly a lie. Also the wine _did_ reveal Shizuo's true intentions in the end.

"And yet you're the one with a hangover?"

"I may have indulged a little bit as well," Izaya said with a shrug, "Besides, I couldn't make it obvious that I was trying to get him drunk or else he wouldn't drink and I would never get any information out of him!"

"So did you get the information you wanted?" Namie asked with a smirk.

"Not particularly," He said flatly, a small amount of irritation slipping through.

"Tell me again what you're getting out of meeting with him then?"

"Wouldn't you want to know about someone who has been trying to kill you for years? Haven't you heard the phrase 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer'?"

Namie chose to avoid the clear opening to comment on Izaya's lack of friends in favor of saying something that would have a better chance of getting into the informant's head. "If he really wanted to kill you he would have done it by now. After all, you've given him plenty of chances recently."

When Izaya's mouth opened for a retort but no words followed, Namie decided it was time to make her escape.

"Ah, is it that late already? I have to get going to make sure Seiji has dinner."

Still trying to process how Namie had taken control of the conversation, Izaya's eyes shifted to the clock to see that it was indeed five o'clock and time for Namie to leave.

As soon as the door closed behind her, Izaya let out a laugh into the emptiness of his apartment. He hadn't realized until it was too late that Namie had been waiting to have that conversation right at that particular time so she would have a way out of it.

Her words began playing on repeat in his head.

"_So is it safe to assume your annoying restlessness today can be attributed to your finally realizing your feelings for that man?" _

She must be losing it if she actually thinks he could have feelings for that beast. He just wasn't feeling well today, that's all.

His chest tightened for the umpteenth time that day as if to confirm his conclusion. It was strange. He'd never felt this way before and it was rather unnerving. He'd thought it was part of the hangover but even after his headache dissipated he still felt that strange fluttering nausea and pain in his chest. In addition he realized he had no appetite and hadn't eaten since breakfast.

With a resounding sigh, Izaya picked up his phone and dialed a number he would probably regret later.

"Hello?" a cheery voice answered.

"Hey, Shinra…"

...~-~…

**Sorry this took so long and not much happened. I promise it will pick up soon though! I hope there aren't any typos because I didn't read through this too well. Thank you again for reading and a special thank you to all of the wonderful people who have given me such wonderful reviews! You keep me going! **


	6. Chapter 6

It was five o'clock and Shizuo felt like shit.

Everyone he had the misfortune of listening to been particularly annoying today. Yet another day of listening to scumbags prattle on and on about why they don't have the money they owe was beginning to get on his nerves a lot more than usual lately. And when Shizuo had finally realized exactly why these men pissed him off so much, he ended up fucking up one guy's jaw with a hard punch.

They reminded him of _those_ men. The way they talked and held themselves reminded him of those men that had surrounded Izaya.

Tom suggested a lunch break when Shizuo had thrown that punch, sensing something was wrong. However, despite his and Vorona's questioning, Shizuo kept his mouth shut about everything that had been happening with Izaya. He didn't feel like explaining all of this to them. And he knew they would ask questions.

So instead, he went to someone else. Someone who wouldn't ask unnecessary questions or judge him for his feelings.

He stared at the ground as he talked to her. After all, she didn't have eyes for him to look at when making conversation so what was the point, really. It helped to be able to talk without looking right at someone and it helped even more when that person just sat there, silently listening.

"So I like someone…" he began, "and I figured I should ask you about it since well… you and Shinra are pretty much together right?" He glanced up to see Celty nod her helmet in confirmation, yet said nothing, waiting for him to continue.

"Okay, well… The thing is…" Shizuo ran his fingers through his hair and absentmindedly checked his phone for the millionth time today, "I like someone, but I am not really sure they like me back… At least not the way I like them. I mean the thing is… last night this person said they would be willing to try going out with me, but I'm not sure if their heart is into it, you know?"

Celty began typing and Shizuo waited to see what she had to say about the situation.

"[What makes you think they aren't into it?]"

"Well they were sort of drunk when they said it," Shizuo said sheepishly.

"[Even if they were drunk, there must have been a reason why they agreed to going out in the first place. Maybe they really do like you and don't want to admit it!]"

Shizuo considered that for a moment. It's true that Izaya probably wouldn't want to admit something like that. He probably considered love to be a weakness knowing how weird he was. But thinking about how Izaya had reacted to being kissed had Shizuo wondering about Izaya's ability to actually be in a relationship right now. Clearly he was still shaken up from… the attack. It probably wasn't a good idea to start something like this while he was still recovering.

A hand on his arm broke him away from his thoughts as Celty held up another message.

"[What I am trying to tell you is that if you really like this person you should go for it and see where it takes you! You deserve to be happy!]"

Those words made his chest throb. He didn't feel like he deserved to be happy. In fact, he'd give up all of his happiness just to make Izaya well again. He hated the way he seemed so afraid to be touched.

Shizuo shook his head lightly before he let those thoughts take over.

"But how do I find out if this person likes me or not?"

"[Have you told them how you feel?]"

"Yeah."

"[Next time you see them, just talk to them. Ask how they feel about you and going out.]" There was a pause as Celty continue with another message. "[I think you're a likeable person. Just be yourself and I bet they'll come around!]"

He couldn't hold back a smile at her words. Celty always knew what to say to make him feel better. Lighting a cigarette, Shizuo inhaled deeply, feeling the nicotine sooth his mind and body.

"Thanks, Celty," he said after releasing a smoke-filled breath, "I should let you get home now. Shinra might worry."

"[It's fine. He's used to me being out later than expected sometimes. If you want me to stay around I can.]"

Shizuo considered her offer briefly. "Just for a few minutes."

…~-~…

"Hello?" Shinra's cheery voice broke the silence in Izaya's apartment.

"Hey, Shinra…"

"Izaya? Is something wrong?" Shinra's tone shifted to become something that almost sounded like worry.

"I'm not sure. I think I might be sick."

"What are your symptoms?"

"I've been having trouble focusing on the usual stuff and my chest and stomach feel… weird."

"Weird how? Pain? Nausea? Are you having any trouble breathing?" Shinra fired off the questions and Izaya could imagine him with a clipboard taking notes as he spoke.

"I'm not sure how to describe it really. My chest does hurt a little bit, but not constantly."

"Aching or stabbing pain?"

"Aching I guess," Izaya lightly rubbed at his temples. Trying to answer Shinra's questions was bringing his headache back.

"Huh…" Shinra paused for a moment, "And you said your stomach is bothering you too?"

"Yeah."

"I might be wrong here, but…" Shinra sounded hesitant causing Izaya to shift in his chair, "Does your stomach feel… well I guess the best word to describe it is fluttery?"

Izaya raised a brow. Maybe Shinra was on to something. "Something like that, yeah. Why?"

"When did this start?"

"A few days ago I think? Today was the worst."

"Are you… umm… Seeing anyone?"

Izaya froze. What did that have to do with anything? Shaking his head, Izaya decided to play along. "Define 'seeing someone'."

"When was the last time you were alone with someone besides Namie?"

"Last night," Izaya found himself willingly answering too quickly, "why?"

"Izaya, what you described to me sounds like a crush."

Izaya let out a harsh, dry laugh. "Have you been talking to Namie or something?"

"No," Shinra said, sounding serious, "I didn't think it was possible, but… Izaya I really do think you're in love."

"You're got it backwards, Shinra," Izaya said coldly, "I am not the one in love."

"So someone is in love with you?"

"Shocking, isn't it?"

"Yeah. But Izaya, if you like this person too—"

"I don't."

"But what you just described—"

"Doesn't mean anything. I don't understand relationships, nor do I care to."

"YOU DESCRIBED TO ME THE SYMPTOMS OF BEING IN LOVE!"

Holding the phone farther from his ear, Izaya held his breath for a moment. Shinra hadn't raised his voice to him like that since middle school.

When Izaya remained silent, Shinra continued with a sigh. Though he wasn't yelling, the frustration could still be heard in his voice.

"Just hear me out. You just said it yourself that you don't understand relationships. In all of the years I've known you, you have never expressed any understanding of real love. But Izaya, if you know someone is in love with you and you really are feeling what you described to me, you should go for it. You might enjoy yourself. You… might be less lonely."

"I'm not lonely, Shinra," It was Izaya's turn to be angry, "And I am telling you, I'm not in love."

"All I can say is that what you described to me is exactly how I felt about Celty before she accepted me. If you would just try-"

"SHUT UP!" He'd had enough. Ending the call, he threw his phone against the floor. The battery skittered across the floor but Izaya couldn't care less.

Fists clenched at his sides, his entire body was rigid. He was standing, but he couldn't recall when he had gotten up. Kicking his chair, Izaya stormed over to the couch. He dropped into it, pressing his face in a pillow.

He wasn't in love with that monster. Not even a bit.

…~-~…

"[Shinra, what's wrong?]"

Shinra was sitting on the couch, hands folded with his elbows on his knees with a pensive look on his face. That was how Celty found him when she returned home that evening.

He had barely noticed her coming in the room and looked a bit startled when the message was held in front of his face.

"Ah, Celty," he began, "I'm fine, I was just thinking about something."

Celty sat down, nervous wisps of shadows coming from her neck as she typed her response. "[What is it?]"

"Oh nothing big. It's just…" he trailed off for a moment, "Izaya called me. Something is off with him."

"[How so?]" Celty wasn't concerned about Izaya at all, but Shinra's reaction was strange which made her worry.

"I think he's in love."

Celty's shoulders shook as she laughed. The whole concept was hilarious to think about. Orihara Izaya actually loving someone?

"Celty, don't laugh!" Shinra said as if hurt, but there was a slight smile on his face at her reaction. "Izaya doesn't understand what's happening to him and I am worried he's going to do something stupid and hurt himself!"

"[He's smart. He can handle it.]"

"No, you don't understand," Shinra said, his tone becoming serious, "Izaya has never been in love before. Hell, I don't think he even really understands what love really is! He could easily mess this up and wind up giving himself a broken heart without realizing it!"

Celty wanted to sigh. Her and Shinra were suddenly stuck giving advice on love to their friends when they had barely managed to work out their own feelings properly. But at least Shizuo was able to recognize that he was in love.

Wait.

"[Shinra, did Izaya say who this person was?]"

"No, but I wish I could get a hold of his security camera recordings. Whoever it is was at his place last night."

Celty froze for a moment before hesitantly typing her next question. "[Last night? You're sure he said that?]"

"Yeah, why?"

It couldn't be… But there was too much evidence to be merely coincidence…

"_I like someone, but I am not really sure they like me back…" _

"_I mean the thing is… last night this person said they would be willing to try going out with me, but I'm not sure if their heart is into it, you know?" _

It made too much sense. Shizuo had been talking about Izaya. They saw each other last night. Shizuo and Izaya…

"Celty? What is it?"

She realized she had been "staring" off as she considered this situation in her head. A chill went down her spine at the thought. But she could be wrong.

"[Shizuo was talking to me earlier,]" Shinra waited for the next message, the look on his face showing his confusion about the sudden subject change, "[He told me he was in love with someone he had seen last night.]"

Shinra seemed to read the message more than once as if he had read it wrong. His jaw dropped when it finally hit him.

"You don't think…"

"[I'm not sure.]"

"Celty… this…"

Celty began to type "is terrifying" but stopped when Shinra finished his sentence, jumping out of his seat.

"…IS PERFECT!"

Celty tilted to the side waiting for an explanation as to why Shinra was so excited about something so strange and confusing.

"Don't you get it, Celty? This benefits everyone! Shizuo and Izaya are both lonely in their own way. If the two of them can work this out, there's hope that they can both be happy! Also, if they're together, there would be significantly less property damage in Ikebukuro! And maybe Shizuo's kindness will get to Izaya a little bit and rub off on him! Not to mention I wouldn't have to treat their injuries from each other all the time!"

Listening to all of this had Celty stuck. It really was an impressive list of benefits if this played out properly. But it also could go so wrong so quickly and leave more damage than ever before.

"Celty, listen," Shinra sat down again, putting his hands on her shoulders, "We have to make this work. Encourage Shizuo for me and I will figure out some way to get to Izaya. Approach this delicately. If Shizuo already knows he's in love then it will just take some tinkering on Izaya's part. He is in love too, he just doesn't know it!"

There was a life in Shinra's eyes that Celty had never seen before. A sense of wonder as he began talking to himself about ways he could get Izaya to recognize his love. As she watched him, she could feel excitement as well, but also a sense of dread. She didn't want Shizuo to get hurt and Izaya is unstable. Shinra would have to come up with one hell of a plan to get Izaya on board.

Either way, she highly doubted the informant would listen to his heart.

…~-~…

**Japanese doesn't typically use gendered pronouns, so in Shizuo's conversation with Celty specifically, I wrote "they" a lot instead of male pronouns because if they were speaking Japanese, Celty could assume Shizuo was talking about a girl and never know it was a guy. **

**So sorry if it sounded a bit awkward because of that haha. **

**Thank you as always for reading! **


	7. Chapter 7

**Whoops… this took way too long, sorry. **

…~-~…

… _Riiiinnnnng… Riiiinnnnng… Riiiinnnnng… Riiiinnnnng…_

Shizuo was rapidly growing angry at the noise of the phone ringing as he waited once again for the Flea to answer. He'd been trying all day, but Izaya wouldn't answer the phone. Shizuo had gotten worried that maybe Izaya was in trouble and that's why he wasn't answering but…

Deep down he knew the truth.

Izaya didn't want to talk to him.

He was right when he assumed Izaya only agreed to start seeing him because he had been drunk. However the question now was simply this: why did Izaya go out with him in the first place? Was he really clueless about Shizuo's true intentions? The thought of Izaya being clueless about anything was a strange thought, but it was the only thing that made sense.

When the phone went to voicemail once again, Shizuo flipped the phone shut with more force than necessary, and dropped it on the couch next to him. It was clear that Izaya wasn't planning on picking up the phone.

Looking at the clock, Shizuo sighed. It was still early, but he decided to go to bed. Thinking about Izaya was exhausting. He turned off the television (which had been on simply to try to distract himself), and picked up his phone again. When he entered his bedroom, he placed it on the nightstand.

He knew he shouldn't expect Izaya to call him back, but he still hoped he would—even if it was to tell him a finite "no". At least then he would know for sure what Izaya wanted.

…~-~…

… _Vrrr… Vrrr… Vrrr… _

Izaya couldn't take it anymore. The sun was setting and Shizuo was still trying to call him.

"He's persistent," he muttered to himself.

Once again, he ignored the call, wondering if Shizuo planned to leave him a message or not. Not that he would bother listening to it if he did. He couldn't let this get more out of hand than it already was. All he had to do was get things back to normal.

"_You might enjoy yourself. You… might be less lonely."_

Shinra's words echoed in his head every time he thought about Shizuo. With a long sigh, Izaya leaned forward in his chair, resting his head on his arms.

How is it that Shinra could see straight through to his core?

He _was_ lonely. Lonely and—since the incident—afraid as well.

Yes, he knew the best solution to both of his problems was to accept Shizuo. But it was just too foreign to him.

Love is a strange thing. Izaya loved humans, but it was such a different type of love compared to what Shizuo was looking for in him. It was too difficult for Izaya to understand. This kind of love made people so strange things. Caring that much for other people was a good way to get yourself hurt. If anything, Shinra should know that. After all, Shinra was the one to jump in front of that knife when they were in middle school.

_...Vrrr… Vrrr… Vrrr…_

Izaya scowled when he glanced at his phone's screen, lighting up with a name he hadn't seen in a while.

_Kyouko Orihara_

"Perfect timing, mom," Izaya mumbled. He considered ignoring her as well, but he knew from experience she could be even more persistent than Shizuo when it came to trying to contact her son.

He didn't have a good relationship with her. In fact, he couldn't even call it a relationship at all. Izaya never accepted love from anyone. Even his parents who tried so desperately to show him their affection and to have him reciprocate that love. He denied them.

Yet she would still call him a couple times a year to check up on him. He guessed she was worried he had joined the yakuza and was getting into trouble or something.

With a low groan, Izaya finally reached out for the phone.

"What?" he answered, head still resting in his arm while the other held the phone to his ear.

"Did I call at a bad time?" She asked quietly.

Holding back another sigh, Izaya leaned back in his chair, realizing the way he'd answered was rather rude.

"No, not really," he said in a much lighter tone than his answer, "I'm just not in much of a mood to talk."

"I see…" She responded, sounding dejected, "I just wanted to see if everything was going okay. Mairu and Kururi said they haven't seen you around in a while."

"I'm fine. I've just been busy."

"Okay. I just wanted to hear it from you. I'll let you go now." She paused, "I love you."

Izaya closed his eyes. How could she still love him after the way he treated her all of these years? Either she was just as crazy as Shinra or it was a lie.

"Bye." Izaya said, not waiting for her response before hanging up. She got the answer she wanted, so he didn't want to let the conversation continue any longer.

Instead of letting those three words eat away at him, Izaya set his phone back down and went back to work.

…~-~…

…_Vrrr… Vrrr… Vrrr… Vrrr…_

Izaya's grip on his computer mouse tightened when he heard his phone ring again. Shooting a glare at the device that only seemed to want to torture him lately, Izaya hung his head with a look of disgust on his face when he saw the name on the screen.

_Shizu-chan_

He ignored the call again and was about to continue working when he realized there was sunlight pouring through the closed blinds. He had closed them last night when the thought of loving humans made him feel sick. Apparently he'd lost track of time without being able to see the sun begin to rise as a signal that he'd stayed up too late.

He checked the time to find that it was indeed already 7:30 AM.

Namie would be showing up in another 2 hours, so he decided he might as well just stay awake. He wasn't particularly tired anyway.

…~-~…

Once again, Shizuo's call was sent to voicemail. He wanted to forget about it and just not bother calling anymore. He really did. But Izaya wouldn't even answer and it was a bit worrying.

Telling himself it would be really quick, Shizuo decided to leave early and take a detour before going to work.

Just to make sure Izaya was okay, he told himself.

He was so unfocused during his trip that time seemed to dissolve away until he was standing at Izaya's door.

He knocked a few times, listening for any sign of movement. He heard nothing.

"Izaya?" He called out, "If you're in there, you'd better open the door before I break it down."

There was another few moments of silence before he heard a subtle shuffling behind the door. He waited just a few more seconds before hearing the click of the lock and seeing the door open just a crack.

"What is it?" Izaya asked. He looked awful. There were bags under his eyes while he held his coffee in one hand, the other still on the door handle.

"Did you sleep last night?" Shizuo found himself asking without thinking.

"No. I was working. If that's all you wanted to ask, then you can go."

"Hey, Wait!" Shizuo caught the door as Izaya began closing it, "Can I just come in for a few minutes. I won't stay more than that."

Izaya gave Shizuo a sweeping look up and down before nodding and stepping to the side. He walked to the table in the middle of the room, taking a seat on one of the barstools where he began sipping his coffee.

"I just wanted to ask you a few questions," Shizuo said, doing the best he could to keep his hands from shaking.

Izaya hadn't sent him away, but he also didn't welcome him with open arms. It was impossible to read him in his current state. All Shizuo could see were tired eyes and the smooth movement of lifting the coffee cup to his lips and bringing it down again. His face was devoid of emotion.

"You never answered me calls." Shizuo stated, seeing what reaction he would get.

Nothing.

"Listen, if you don't want to go out with me, then just tell me!"

"I don't want to go out with you." Izaya said flatly, looking at his coffee cup.

Shizuo's hands clenched into fists. "Then why…?" he began, "Why did you start doing things with me in the first place? Why did you tell me you would be willing to give it a try if you weren't?"

"Because I was using you," he began, "I was using you to help myself. You were keeping my mind off of things I didn't want to think about. I only agreed to try going out with you because I was drunk and I thought it would be a good chance to continue using you. But thinking about it now, if you love me as much as you say you do, then you would probably get too clingy for me."

He was shaking. His fists clenched even harder, torn between both wanting to punch the man in front of him for toying with his emotions, but not wanting to hurt him because he still loved him. Izaya was saying these things to hurt him and nothing more just to get him to go away.

Deciding to give Izaya his wish, Shizuo turned his back and headed for the door.

"You know," he said, stopping when his hand touched the door handle, "I wouldn't have minded you using me if I knew it was to make you feel better. I still love you."

Izaya's eyes widened before narrowing again in anger.

"Just go away. I never want to see you at my door again. I don't want love from you or anyone else. I just want to be alone, now GET OUT!" Izaya yelled, standing up and shooing Shizuo out.

Rage still pounded in his system along with the pain of being rejected, but he had expected this when he decided to come over. He felt numb by the time he was walking the rest of the way out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

…~-~…

Izaya was breathing heavily, leaning against the door when Shizuo left. Why did it hurt so much to hear those damn words from him…?

"_I still love you." _

First his mother, now Shizuo. The more he pushed them away, the more they said those words to him. He didn't understand it.

Clutching at his chest, Izaya made his way to the couch where he collapsed. Why did it hurt to see Shizuo leave? Why did it hurt when he said he wanted to be alone? He had lied and said those words many times before and it had never hurt like this.

Izaya curled up on his side, closed his eyes, and waited.

He waited for his breathing to even out.

He waited for the pain to go away.

He waited for the voice in the back of his head to stop telling him to follow Shizuo out the door.


End file.
